Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Can you hear that???

...or "How I Knew I Was Slipping.  Again."

by Roccie of Roccie Road

I believed in my last post.  I thought I had it.  

I couldn't hold on to it.  What a fucking fraud.

Yesterday I had what is probably called a break down.  I left the office and sort of lost track of time.

Rocco staged an intervention and suggested I ask my RE about anti-depressants.  I sent my RE an email that night and was surprised by her response.  She was waiting for me when I went in for my baseline appointment today.  We talked for quite some time.

I called my old psychiatrist (what, everyone doesn't have one on speed dial?).  Her assistant said she couldn't see me until mid December.  I hung up but then got a call from the doctor herself.  She pulled my file and it must be ugly as she agreed to do our consult over the phone.

She doesn't have all of her ALI facts in order in my opinion, but she easily summed up the state of my head.  Meds followed.

Cuckoo.  Cuckoo.

I had some reservations about the meds, but today after the fourth (what) person at work asked me if I was doing ok, I figured it was probably a good idea.  One of them was my boss and I cried.  Dammit.

I lost a job last time I was depressed.  Ok, so I lost two.  In a row.

My career has never recovered.  Sometimes it gets to me.

Once upon a time, I had a self perceived Very Important Career where I made Great Money.  Those days are gone.  I now sit in a cube and work for a paycheck to cover my ART expenses.

In other news, I had a blood draw to test for autoimmune issues.  If this next cycle fails, we will do a lap.

50-50% chance of success with a DE FET.

38 comments:

  1. My dearest Roccie, I am so very thankful that Rocco and your docs have been so attentive and responsive to your needs. This shit is hard. I don't even know the half of what you know, and still I know it's hard. And we who have the getting-down tendencies need to keep an eye on ourselves (and one another!). I know that when we go to the dark places, we sometimes lose the tools we need to take care of ourselves. This is when our [human] angels step in, and thank heavens that yours have. Reservations about the meds are normal, but this step sounds like the right move. If they don't work for you, you can always stop them or switcheroo. You know all this. I'm just here to cheer you on, let you know that this [medicated] pumpkin thinks you're doing the right thing, and send you all the hugs I can fit through the interwebs. Shower you with hug confetti, if you will. Sending lovelovelovelovelove. And then some more. Your days will get brighter.

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  2. Oh my friend, I'm so sorry...you have been on my mind and heart often this week. It is such a hard fall to come back from when our hopes don't occur and we're again knocked on our ass with another disappointment. First of all I'm glad you're seeking out help and making steps that are healthy for you. You have every right to be sad and disappointed right now and in these moments remember that sometimes just putting one foot in front of the other is enough. You my friend are enough, be gentle with yourself and know you have a sisterhood of women out here standing with you and sending so much love your way.
    I heard the phrase after we lost Lily that once you've been on the losing end of statistics they no longer bring you any comfort. I would have to agree and don't allow statistics to hold too much weight anymore because it's so true. The things that have happened to me this past year have been on the low end of statistics every time, so needless to say what I'm getting at is that statistics aren't truth.

    Remember, one step at a time ((hugs))

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  3. I'm not as eloquent as lady pumpkin and rebecca, but I wanted to send you *hugs* and good thoughts.

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  4. All I want to say is I love you and I'm here. And I get it...

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  5. I'm at a loss to say anything helpful other than I'm really, really glad that you were able to get drugs. I am a firm believer in better living through chemistry. I'm here anytime. Cupcakes are on the counter and cocktail shaker chilled.

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  6. Oh roccie. I'm so sorry to hear you are struggling so. To be honest u guessed it and kept checking back here for a word from you. Here they are. I'm glad people are watching over you. The light will come roccie. I'm sure of it. But for now here is a hand of friendship in the darkness. Unfortunately I am limited in what I can do for you in the under land but if you think of something let me know. I'll do it. All my Love and friendship comrade. R.

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  7. Oh my terrible spelling!!! I am on the iPhone and off the planet. Please read I guessed it not u and hear a word from you.

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  8. I am so sorry that you are in such a dark place. However, it sounds like you are doing the best to take care of yourself, and you have people around you who support and love you.

    You are not a fraud. You are a woman who has to bear too much.

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  9. Start scrambling girl...you are in there deep and no one could blame you. This is hard, hard stuff but you are a survivor. Here with you in grief.

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  10. I've been hoping you were still doing okay. And I'm sorry you're back in a dark place. I hope the meds kick in fast and get you back to where you deserve to be. In the meanwhile, here is a virtual bottle of rum and some hugs.

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  11. Roccie, I love all your parts. Your strong ones and your broken ones. You are a beautiful, whole human being. And by the sounds of it, you are suffering like hell right now. I feel very sad that you are being pulled down into that pit of suffering. It sounds like you may have caught the downward spiral at a good point, though, and that you reached out for help when you needed to. That's my girl. I'm very happy you did reach out and that your allies responded quickly. I'm also glad you told us because we all just think the world of you, Roccie, and we all want to support you. And you are letting us do that with this post. I am with you, dear woman, as you see your way through this very dark time.

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  12. big big hugs to you roccie. i'm glad that your old psychiatrist fit you in with a phone appt at least, and that you got hold of those meds. whatever works, in my opinion. don't beat yourself up too much over career. there's nothing more important in life than kids and family, and when things don't go the way they should regarding this, we're all bound to fall off the wagon. just take care of yourself and be EASY on yourself. it sounds like hubby is taking good care of you, so you do the same please :o) we're here if you need anything. xoxo.

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  13. I am so glad you reached out to someone...that's not always easy. Thinking of you and sending hugs your way.

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  14. I have been worried about you these last few days, my dear. I'm sorry to hear how hard it has been.

    Please don't think of antidepressants any different from your fertility drugs. Mental health is right up there with infertility as far as those stupid stigmas go, and I hate it. The fertility drugs help make something work that doesn't work well on its own. So do the antidepressants. Take the drugs if you need them...and we all agree anyone in your situation would.

    I didn't read all the comments, so sorry if I'm duplicating. Please know my thoughts are with your and I'm sending you my love to get through this holiday season.

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  15. That sounds terrible Roccie. I really fucking wish I lived closer to you ... there is nothing more that I would love to do than to come to your house and give you a big fat fucking hug. I can't tell you its going to be ok...and I know how much this sucks... I just wish I could be there IRL for you.

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  16. I'm so sorry Roccie. I wish I could give you a big hug. Meds are very helpful to pull you out of the pit, I hope they kick in fast!!! Good luck with the FET.

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  17. I always think I have control over my emotions and I am always very wrong. I think you are amazing for seeking help!

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  18. Roccie,

    I don't know if you've read any of my earlier posts in my blog where I describe the depression I have suffered my entire adult life and the fact that I have been on antidepressants since I was 19. I have tried to get off of them, and it is impossible for me. Not that I am implying that you are like me - just that I have some direct experience with the place you are in right now.

    I hit my mental low point when I ended up in the psychiatric inpatient unit of a local hospital following my first miscarriage. The cause was a combination of post-partum whatever and the fact that I was simultaneously off my meds. No good. No good at all.

    I am so happy to hear that you are in the care of a psychiatrist and that you are willing to go on medication. I know that antidepressants aren't for everyone and I absolutely respect the idea that some people are very wary of them. For me ... they've been a life-saver. Literally. I don't know where I'd be without them.

    In your situation I think, at the risk of sounding too invasive, that you really shouldn't give one single thought to worrying about taking medication. It will help. It will ground your thoughts and your mood so that you don't fall into the abyss. Don't worry, you will still feel plenty sad and be able to process the grief (I did anyway). It just won't be life and death kind of sad.

    Finally, and then I'll get of my soapbox, try to resist going off into how depression has affected your life in the past. Because you are where you are TODAY, armed with more knowledge about yourself and the resources that are available to you than you had in the past.

    If you ever want to email me directly, just drop me a line on my blog and we can figure out how to communicate via email.

    Please know I am saying special mantras for your peace of mind. xx

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  19. I can't add anything to what's already been said, but I certainly second those thoughts. You are amazing and wonderful, and if some meds can keep you from the life and death type sad, as Melanie puts it, take 'em. And like the others say, I'm so so so so glad you're not trying to "be strong" and tackle this without support.

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  20. Hey Roccie...big hugs hun! I wish I could smother my yet to be tested motherly love on you and just rock you side to side and say its going to be all right. You are not cucko because you are on meds...you have been through more torture than is reasonably fair! Thinking of you this US holiday weekend. Lick your wounds and when your ready, if you will be ready, I'll be right here no matter what.

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  21. Oh sweetie. This stuff would bring down Pollyanna herself. Of COURSE you need a little boost at this moment. It does not mean you're headed for the bell jar, my dear. You may feel like you're hanging on by a fingernail, but we can all see that it's a damn strong fingernail. Good for you for asking for a little help at the get-go. Things WILL get better.

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  22. Glad you realized what you needed and are getting it. You are in my thoughts. <3

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  23. I wish I have something to tell you to cheer you up. You have been through alot and I know your internal strength will carry you. Please know that I am rooting for you. Sending lots of hugs to you.

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  24. Good to hear your doctors were there for you, as well as Rocco.

    Work and ART are a tough combination.

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  25. Oh, Roccie! Sorry to get to this so late--traveling yesterday. It sounds like everything just caught up with you. But you've got folks there in your real life and here in your internet life who care so, so much about you. Depression is just awful, isn't it? But speaking as someone with no career to lose (for whatever that's worth) there's something to be said for the lower-stress cubicle option, particularly when there are other things in your life that are so important right now.

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  26. IF. The hormones. The high from hope...the crushing defeat of bfns. The knowledge that to reach your goal you'll have to go through all of it again. These things bring so many of us down. What I admire in you, dear Roccie, is that you have the strength--yes STRENGTH!!!--to recognize that you can do something to help, and you did. You did! (I didn't have that strength and suffered because of it)

    You are an amazing woman, Roccie. I really do believe that. Much love to you. I hope that you feel better very soon.

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  27. Roccie / I'm so sorry. I know those steps exactly unfortunately. Intervention by hubs. Dr. Psychiatrist calls me in person. Then I know I'm in trouble. I fight about meds but go on them. Eventually some sort of balance ensues. I applaud your bravery to speak so candidly about your battle - the good, the bad, and the ugly. Just let yourself feel what is in the moment, deal with it, and move on to next thing. Plus take your meds and listen to doctor's. Trust me on that one. Hang in there and I'm sending you lots of (((hugs))) sweetie.

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  28. Oh dear. I'm so sorry you are going through this. I know how you feel, because I'm pretty much right there with you, just a step behind.

    Just remember that the week or so after you stop the PIO shots, your hormones are free falling. It's horrible time for even the most stable amongst us.

    You are lucky to have a wonderful Rocco by your side, and an attentive shrink on the phone.

    Big hugs. Someday I do hope I'm lucky enough to cocktail with you.

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  29. Roccie, I sorry, love. This IF business is hard, you are not a fraud. You are human and need to grieve. It is ok to to feel and best to acknowledge your feelings, go you! And meds are a helpful tool in conjunction with seeking support. So whatever you need, we got your back. Be well. Xoxo

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  30. Oh Roccie, you are so not a fraud. You are brutally honest and courageous and you are a woman in pain. Your last post was brilliant and I want to remind you that you tagged it as "pull this up when I feel crappy". See, you knew you'd need reminding of its merits later on, you're that smart. And I'm so pleased you were able to speak to your psychiatrist so quickly. Don't you dare feel bad or like you are failing because you said yes to the meds. We all need a little help sometimes and that medication is just one tiny cog in the Roccie support programme. You are doing so many other things to help yourself and that medication is just another aid, it's nothing to be ashamed of at all. And it's certainly not a sign of weakness. In fact, i think it shows the opposite... that you are one amazing person who is worthy of helping. Worthy of getting and recieving every piece of help you can because you've touched a lot of peoples lives and they all want to see you happy.
    I want this for you too. xx

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  31. Hey! I thought that maybe if I did a silly dance it might give you a much-needed giggle.

    \o/ ~o~ \o/ ~o/ \o~

    I hope your days are getting better. (((hugs)))

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  32. Roccie, I'm sorry. And I think that going on meds makes complete sense. You've been bruised and battered, and it only goes to follow that there are some really terrible, downright subterranean dips on this shitty rollercoaster. I'm glad Rocco staged an intervention. Self care - it's freaking important.

    And you're not cuckoo. You're great. But you've been subjected to a really terrible time. And THAT would make anyone put an entire collection of head shrinks on speed dial.

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  33. Sending you a hug from my corner of the earth.

    ((hugs))
    ~Elaine

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  34. I have taken meds for anxiety/depression and they have helped enormously. There is no shame in taking something to help you through the tough times. When folk have said to me me "Ah, but it's just a sticking plaster, isn't it?", I've pointed out that sticking plasters stop you bleeding all over everything and are therefore quite a good thing! ADs help you to cope with everyday life at a time when particular aspects of your world are crappy and, for me, have stopped other aspects from sliding downhill with the rest.

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  35. Just checking in (read: stalking) Roccie... I'm hoping you're doing ok!

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  36. all I can say is THANK GOD for happy pills....and a suport system that rocks.

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  37. roccie, so is it time to relax?
    how are you now?
    every day is so different, and i wonder what tomorrow will bring, because it is exciting even when it seems catastrophic. especially when i am calm enough to not ruin today by thinking about tomorrow.

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  38. It can happen. My first recipient couple did not get pregnant on their fresh transfer, but the first FET worked. They've got a baby now :)

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