Sunday, April 10, 2011

Night swimming

Remember that old song by REM?  Back when they still had It Going For Them, before Monster?  I have been singing it all day.  I have night sweats something fierce.  I know it is all the progesterone injections, especially since we have increased the dosage by 50%.

Rocco is getting a little under my skin, he is so innocent and sweet.  He thinks all these complaints are sure fire signs that we are pregnant.  I start to explain to him that all it means is that we are injecting tons of progesterone, but I cut it short.  No reason to rain on his parade.  He blissfully moves forward, sure we are pregnant.

It isn't like he wasn't there for the last time we were pregnant.  He saw the betas that were slammed into obscurity by a failure to get a heartbeat.  I don't think he is hanging his hat on the donor element either.  I think he just lives a simple life, a little like a fertile.  So I leave him there.

Please don't worry about posting comments to assure me.  Not at all what I am asking to get.  I just feel detached from all this and feel like Tuesday's ultrasound will be like the first time I hear we are pregnant.

I am hopeful, but I pull more baggage than I thought.

I am off the crazy meds now.  Good thing I have massive amounts of p4 injected into me each night.  It has really made the transition relatively easy.

19 comments:

  1. Roccie...I felt so totally detached from the pg until about week 12 when I saw it look like a real live baby instead of a lump with maybe some arm and leg buds. So don't beat yourself up. I struggled throughout most of the first tri with the reality of the pregnancy.

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  2. I feel like my husband acts like a fertile too. Don't like to crush his dreams, but seriously.

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  3. Welcome to Cluelessville, population: our husbands. It is sweet how they remain eternally optimistic, but also annoying and frustrating as shit.

    I so well remember that struggle between wanting to believe and preparing to be crushed. I hope we can get back in the IVF rodeo in a year or so and try for number 2, and I honestly have no idea if it will be easier, harder, or exactly the same level of anxiety having been through it before.

    But for YOUR lucky second try, which is on a so-far-so-good trend already, I am keeping my fingers crossed that Tuesday is a day for celebrating, hooting, wooting, and parades. Hang in there, lady.

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  4. Rocc, I so believe this is it for you. Hoping, praying, *knowing* that Tuesday will be a day for celebration. Love you.

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  5. Yuk! Progesterone made my sleeping just restless. I hated the PIO more than the rest of the meds.

    Keeping my all crossed for good news Tuesday.

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  6. Nightswimming deserves a quiet night . . .

    You are speaking my language, though I was still with them through Monster and New Adventures in Hi-Fi. I thought it all kind of went south after that though.

    I am holding my breath over here...hugging you across the boring flatness of Missouri and Illinois.

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  7. All I have for you is I love you. And I'm with LP - Hoping, praying, and knowing Tuesday is celebratory.

    <3 <3

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  8. Come on, Tuesday and good news!

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  9. I love that REM song! I think it's a healthy self defense mechanism given your history to feel disconnected, I felt that way till there was a heartbeat. Best of luck on Tuesday we are all pulling for you.

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  10. I know I always feel so abnormal but the truth is your feelings are so NORMAL. My hubby is in la-la land himself (he comes from California, after all). I try to leave him there too, but sometimes I selfishly can't. Anyway I am sending tons of good juju your way for Tuesday.

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  11. Hoping Rocco's cluelessness will prove correct tomorrow... I'll be thinking of you.

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  12. I can't believe how nice you are regarding hubby's positive outlook. My wife was "sure" we were pregnant even though I was in petrified limbo - and I was so angry! I felt like she left me hanging out in Scaryville and in my progesterone haze I was certain she was laughing at my hesitation to embrace the possibility. So Cheers to You for realizing what is and isn't, and holding steady. (And didn't she have the last laugh when she turned out to be right...but still I resisted until the end of the first trimester or so. So really, go easy on yourself - I think you are ahead of the game.)

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  13. I have nothing but hope for you roccie! May there be a heart on that screen that beats soundly for a hundred years. And may your nights never be the same again. Lord knows pregnancy totally screws with your night time comfort levels. I write this from bed. Mah bones ache I'm always hot I pee right on three then five and sleep elevated so as not to choke on my own stomach juices. :) see fun. And apparently ob says she looks to be a late arriver. Lovely. Better late than never.
    Am here with you. Holding your hope like my own.

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  14. Hoping tomorrow's ultrasound will take you from dream to reality. Very exciting. Hugs!

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  15. thinking of you and keeping my fingers and toes crossed for you.... It is so hard to stay pos when you have been through much. Hang in there.

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  16. Hoping today's u/s brings you beautiful news, Roccie. Thinking of you...

    P.S. I think put Nightswimming on every mix tape I made for yeeeears. ;)

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  17. Thinking about you today. . .

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  18. Night Sweats and Cotton Mouth. My favorites.

    New to your blog, just wanted you to know I'm thinking of you and wishing you nothing but the best.

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  19. I know the next chapter in the story, because it took me so long to comment, but I still want to say that I am absolutely thrilled you got a heartbeat today. Thrilled beyond thrilled.
    And night swimming is one of my all time favorites.

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