To cycle, or not to cycle. That is the question.

Timing is everything.  Common sense.

You know what I like even less than the uncertainty of IVF?  The decisions you get to make based on that uncertainty.  In a messy climax, you top it all off by paying for the pleasure of it all.

I spent my pocket money on baby making fuel.  Soup me up with some Royal Jelly and Inositol.  I have a little CoQ10 going with it.  I have some Melatonin, but I cant remember what to do with it.

So how long does a girl immerse her uterus in this before seeing a benefit?

We have about 24 hours to decide - cycle this month or wait.  Should we postpone a month to load up on these super fuels or am I aging in dog weeks as we speak?  (40, she lingers.)

We will spend one month estrogen priming, then retrieve the next month.  Is the month of estrogen priming enough to get this business working or should I extend it out a little longer?

I dont expect anyone has the answer.  In fact, I feel a little bad putting you on the spot, asking your advice.  However, I am incapable of making a decision.  I used to be an intelligent woman but goddammit I cant get my head around this one.

You come here looking for entertainment and a laugh or two, and I put you to work.

I hope my picture doesn't make anyone uncomfortable.  Say the word and it goes.  I am just feeling the weight of the world after the funeral.  Everyone should have hope.  Please see this as a beacon to your sleepless nights when your babies are finally home in your arms, not your hearts and minds.

Recovering

I went to a young person's funeral.  

He was 24.

He had a job.  He spent money on shoes for work.  It might not seem like much, but that was a sign he saw a future.  He hadnt been able to see that in a long time.  

He was attending meetings.

No more disappearing for months at a time.  No more jail, half way houses, or group homes.  He was living with his mother again.  It was working so well.

He looked good. He gained 20 pounds and was learning how to work out, lift weights.

Recovering never becomes recovered.  It is was always there, talking to him.  One more time, he thought.

A really boring post unless you have my body

I started this blog because I was so moved by the beautiful things written in The Real Blogs.  I needed to respond and I wanted to be a real person (Okay, kind of real.  You might have guessed Roccie isnt my real name, but it is a nickname.)

I also couldnt remember what the deal was as I started IVF3.  When did the Lupron manifest itself?  What day was it when I came home and fired the cleaning service before I even took my coat off?  When did I tell the Director of Finance she was acting like a child at work?  How did I not get fired?  I wanted to be able to look back and "do the math" on the dates to warn my friends to run for the hills.

My head is exploding with information, so I must get it down while it is still fresh.  Remember, this has an uneducated patient spin on the data, so read with a grain of salt.  It turns out to be a standard protocol, but it was new to me.

Follicle news

1. What is my resting/antral follicle count?
   No ultrasound at WTF session.  I seem to hover right in the 5-10 range.  Not a great place to be, but it is better than the 0-5 range RE tells me.  I agree.
   
2. WTF is resting follicle count and WTF makes you think it will change this month?
   We are not banking on a change in the antral count, but instead changing the protocol to drive up the number of eggs retrieved using EPP, estrogen priming protocol.
   
   EPP is a 2 step process where the ovaries are primed the month prior to stimulation to recruit eggs.  The meds start after ovulation - estrogen and ganirelix.  The regular stims kick in after my period the next month.
   
3. I want MF details on my follicles.  How many did I have:
1. for IVF 1, when we got 3 sucky eggs, all moved on a day 3 transfer?  BFN.
   Didnt find out as first cycle was with Boutique Fertility, not my current Large Fertility Operation.  I can get the info later.
2. for IVF 2, when we got 8 decent eggs, a day 5 transfer of 2 embryos resulting in one delicious baby and an embryo for the freezer?
   11 follicles.
3. If my resting was low when we started IVF-3-turned-IUI, WTF made you think it would produce enough eggs to warrant IVF?
   10 follicles.  Go figure.  So much for my theory They-Should-Have-Known-This-Cycle-Would-Suck.

 FSH and stats

1. What is my damn FSH and why isn't it a good indicator of ovarian reserve?
   5.6 and I believe is it desirable to remain under 10.  Decent number but not great.  I now understand it to be an indicator on your response to the stims.
   
2. WTF.  I am 40 in December.  Early December.
   My age seems to be the tolling bell of doom, not my FSH.  Fucking 40.
    
3. I want to know my embryo classifications/grades/etc. WTF went wrong to cause the FET to never develop a heartbeat, despite good beta scores?
   I ended up not being able to ask this question.  It is an untold story for me.  It is too close to pain and goes well beyond the miscarriage.  I hope to be able to talk about it someday.
   
4. Speaking of which, WTF were my beta numbers exactly?
   The numbers should increase by 66%.  Mine were good, despite a deep feeling they might have really been borderline, but no one told me.  It is heart-breaking to see how promising they looked:
   
   94, 175, 425, 3226 (86%, 140%, 659%)

Creative Shit from all my New Friends

1. Uterine biopsy to encourage implantation.  WTF (whythefuck, not what) isn't everyone talking about this?
   RE knew all about this concept and has used it with success on other patients.  I dont have a problem with implantation.  My first IVF over suppressed me, the 2nd I got pregnant (live, healthy birth), and the 3rd I got pregnant (miscarriage).  This is an interesting option I hope someone else can use.
   
2. Moxa and acupuncture
   Stress is the number one and the only thing I can control.  RE is a fan of doing what it takes to calm my uptight self off the ledge.
   
3. CoQ10 and WTF else?
   Husband and I are both taking 200mg/day.  He is also on the other general vitamins for MFI fellas.  I am taking loads of other vitamins, but CoQ10 is new.  I work at a place with a nutrition sister company and have access to loads of great vitamins.  Please don't think all vitamins are all created the same.  I would love to share the details with you if you are interested.  They are expensive, but I really believe in them.
   
4. Damn caffeine I had a couple months ago.  WTF didnt RE tell me it was poison?
   RE really came through on this one.  Caffeine impacts your uterine lining, not eggs.  Thank jaw, I do not have a problem with my lining.  Guess what I am doing on the way to work tomorrow?  Misto, ladies, misto.  Outta my system in 8 hours.  If only all drugs rinsed this clean....
   
5. Something about ICSI on immature eggs allowed to mature in vitro.  WTF didn't we do this last time?  Did I lose viable eggs?
   This is leading edge technology but a separate plan than mine.  They retrieve early without stimulation and grow the eggs outside your body.  Not sure I fully understand it, but it is n/a to our plans.  The other version of this story is a standard stim and retrieval where all follicles are aspirated.  Large Fertility Operation routinely allows immature eggs extra time to grow.  I didn't lose anything.

What am I missing?

1.  Next stop if this protocol doesn't work they way we want: DEHA and growth hormone.  This was also in the same discussion as breast cancer, so I am not sure how much I like this plan.  Way too early to worry about it.  I dont want to be against ourselves.
   
2. Royal jelly - some type of traditional medicine.  I need to google it.  Anyone know it?
   
3. A batch of frozen backup sperm would not have helped our crap Male Factor counts at IUI.  The thaw is brutal on sperm - much worse than eggs.  This was a great relief to husband.  I found out kind of he blames the IUI failure on himself.  Absurd, but completely understandable.

PS - Interesting IVF protocol discussion website.

WTF Day in Chicagoland, Thursday, June 24 at 2:45pm CDT

Things I plan to know when I walk out of WTF Fest 2010:

Follicle news

1. What is my resting/antral follicle count?  
2. WTF is resting follicle count and WTF makes you think it will change this month?
3. I want MF details on my follicles.  How many did I have:
1. for IVF 1, when we got 3 sucky eggs, all moved on a day 3 transfer?  BFN.
2. for IVF 2, when we got 8 decent eggs, a day 5 transfer of 2 embryos resulting in one delicious baby and an embryo for the freezer?
3. If my resting was low when we started IVF-3-turned-IUI, WTF made you think it would produce enough eggs to warrant IVF?

 FSH and stats

1. What is my damn FSH and why isn't it a good indicator of ovarian reserve?
2. WTF.  I am 40 in December.  Early December.
3. I want to know my embryo classifications/grades/etc. WTF went wrong to cause the FET to never develop a heartbeat, despite good beta scores?
4. Speaking of which, WTF were my beta numbers exactly?

Creative Shit from all my New Friends

1. Uterine biopsy to encourage implantation.  WTF (whythefuck, not what) isn't everyone talking about this?
2. Moxa and acupuncture
3. CoQ10 and WTF else?
4. Damn caffeine I had a couple months ago.  WTF didnt RE tell me it was poison?
5. Something about ICSI on immature eggs allowed to mature in vitro.  WTF didn't we do this last time?  Did I lose viable eggs?

What am I missing?

1.  
2.  
3.   

The nurse on the phone this week wasn't giving me the direction I need.  She called to talk about my BFN.  I asked when we plan to cycle next and she says it is up to me.  Again, WTF.  I am paying $15k+ out of pocket and I think I could use a professional opinion, right?

If my old ovaries didn't respond, WTF makes you think you can change their mind?

I want to get this right.  This is the last hurrah before donor eggs.  I don't fear the donor as I did in the past.  To say I would be grateful to become pregnant with donor eggs is a gross understatement.  It is an extremely complex issue and I feel like I am glossing over it.  I will digest it all if it comes to me.

Man, that was a cleansing post.  You know what I mean?

Silence gives you a hint how the test went - BFN.

Suckville.

Why does my body fuck with me?  I KNOW what a period feels like, for the most part.  It has been a long time since I had one, but dammit, why did I hold on to that one glimmer of hope despite the premenstral cramps?  I know better than that.

The whole way home from work on Friday, I felt it coming.  But no, my period holds off until I POAS.  Then I see the evidence on the toilet tissue.

Aunt Flo, you bitch.  You let me waste a pregnancy test.  I have been performing toilet tissue analysis for a week now.  Holding it to the light... does that look pink?  Two inches from my face... does that look pink?

One line.  Not two.

WTF imagery provided by terrific grad student photographer, who did not approve me stealing this photo without asking.

Still thinking about POAS

Summer storm took out all of our power.  It has been out since 4pm on Friday and we just got it back last night.  I have been staying at my sister's with the baby while husband fights the dark with the dogs.

Mother Nature is now involved in the delay of my POAS.  The plan was to do it this morning.  I go in for a blood test tomorrow.

Crap.  I hate POAS.

In case you are out there Adele , you are on my mind.

Free to good home: fat dress

I try to find ways to kill the time in the 2wMFw.  Today, I went to get a massage.  

I walk in to a therapist I have not met and she says to me, "So, you're pregnant?"

So many thoughts race through my head.

"No, I am not.  But I was.  But I might be."

"No, I am not.   I just don't get pregnant like everyone else.  Me being pregnant is never referred to in such a casual manner.  I have been trying to be pregnant for years."

"But I was.  I had a miscarriage.  I didn't graduate to a regular OB.  I didn't deliver a baby.  I had to miscarry at home.  I had to go back to work and see a giant belly on a dear friend."

"But I might be.  Except for the male factor fertility issues plus my own Unexplained Issues.  Except for the IVF/ICSI gone IUI - to throw good money after bad.  But I might be."

Fucking fat dress is in the trash.

Messages from above

I moved here in 1993 from Ohio.  Chicago is the great mecca of the Midwest.  I am here, but I still root for the Buckeyes.  OSU is how I came to know another Jesus.  There are lots of sites dedicated to this fellow, but I picked this one to make myself laugh at the high five near the bottom.  Usually, you form around the raised arms to spell O-H-I-O.  It is funny to me.

Ride with me here, it all comes together in the end.

My husband's birthday is always difficult.  He doesn't like stuff, he never wants anything.  I got creative and had this terrific grad student come out to do a family photo shoot.

We took the pictures on Sunday.  We sat on a bench, stood around, usual awkward poses for trying to look natural.

On Monday, one of my favorite oak trees fell into the front yard.  This isnt the tree obviously but I was too sad to take a picture of it.  It seemed disrespectful.  It just up and fell - no storm, no wind, no (foreshadowing) lightning.

On Tuesday, it seems Jesus was struck by lightning and burned to the ground.

What?

Here is the bench we were sitting on for pictures, smashed.  It was sitting right under that tree that came crashing down.

Yikes.

Is Someone trying to send me a message?  I POAS this weekend.

Here is Huck in front of the bench.  He never had that bottom canine tooth.  It was missing when we adopted him.  Cute, isnt it?

Booby twinge

This one is for the die hards who have been around the block.

What came first the chicken or the egg?  Did I really feel a booby twinge or is it just my progesterone fucking with me? 

2wMFw and you can guess what the MF stands for.

I wish I had more to do than just suppositories

Total lack of control.  I only have one measly progesterone suppository every morning.  At least with my old retrievals I got to inject the stuff.  Now it is just plain old tampon style.

It seems weak.  Too easy.  I didn't have to pay through the nose for it - they are all samples from the office.  How valuable can it be if you are giving it away?

I feel like I am not to voice these questions, but if this doesn't turn out as planned, how long are we on the bench before the next full cycle?  RE thinks we should go for another retrieval since I typically have 8-9 follicles at retrieval.

Donor pushed off a little longer.  I am really flippy on the donor eggs.  When they are biting at my heels, I panic.  When the option is taken off the table, I worry too.  My eggs have a history of success and something else.  Long story.

I was on my OB site yesterday.  It had a link for high risk pregnancy, so I clicked through.  There was a whole section dedicated to 'Pregnancy after 30'.

30???

Sometimes I get a slap back to reality.  I will be delighted with a baby, no matter how we get there.

Fully loaded.

I don't care what they say, I hate to pee after a transfer or an IUI.  I wont even mention my fear of the BM.

Not sure what to do with my head.  The produce number today was grim.  12 million, instead of 85M, but great improvement in motility.  I am so tired of analyzing it, but my final verdict is I would rather have one car with gas than 1000 cars on empty.

I am wearing my rose quartz crystal and just amped it up with a medal of St. Gerard (patron saint of expectant mothers).  I was confirmed Catholic, but I wouldn't call myself a Catholic. 

Funny how that works.  I am the Catholic pagan who occasionally attends a non denominational Christian church so she can see just how poorly she fits in.  Whatever it takes.

A positive and hopeful title

Poor response.  Our retrieval has been canceled in exchange for an IUI.

Mother father.

We have 2 eggs and Large Fertility Operation wants to see at least 3 for surgery.  I suppose you could read they are cooking the books a little, but I know how our numbers dropped lower with each step along the process the last 2 retrievals.  Since we are self pay, it seems to make the most sense.

The medical squirt is tomorrow.  I triggered last night. 

You should see the dress I am stuffed into today.  I would complain about it, but I feel like I must respect left and right ovary, especially that right one holding my two winners.

Crap.

I am up to 450 Follistim and we only have 2 follicles measuring in the right place.  Crap.  Going back on Sunday to see if this becomes IUI.  Crap.  Since we have the male factor, I sort of fear it might be pointless.  I am not supposed to say that stuff out loud.  Crap.

I think the next plan is donor.  

Fuck me.

Oh, its working

I called the pharmacy to get more insulin needles and a sharps container.  The gal on the other end asked how I would like to pay for the $5 shipping fee.  My first freak out.  Thousands of dollars in meds and you cant do simple math to determine the correct number of needles?

It looks like we have 4 follicles and another 4 lurking just below the surface.  Sounds like I could get more follicles, but no promises.  I told my RE I wasn't afraid to overstimulate.  I read on another blog about OHSS.  It sounds like hell, but if it wont kill me, I will do it so we can get this show on the road.

My RE is quite sweet and let me know she wasn't worried about that happening.  I finally caught on that what she meant was my dry ole uterus couldn't overstimulate if it tried.

Luckily, I found this funny and did not let loose the Lupron Monster.